Monday, February 20th, 2006
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10:22 am
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im not moving to california in april anymore...
im moving to california on march 24th instead.
i havent written a real update in forever.
i only have stuff to write about that i want to pretend isnt happening.
so i will choose not to write about it... maybe it will go away.
current mood:  bored
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, January 9th, 2006
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1:41 pm - something to write about
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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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6:34 pm - wow 2 days in a row
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NINE LASTS
1. Last Alchoholic Beverage:
Right now... Molson Canadian Light
2. Last Movie Seen:
In the theatre was Wart of the Worlds... at home was Waking Life
3. Last Phone Call:
Jamie
4. Last CD Played:
Jack Johnson
5. Last time you Cried:
This morning
6. Last Shower:
This morning
7. Last Trip:
Plattsburgh in April of 04 to visit the boys at college
8. Last Night:
Got out of work, went to the mall to visit my sister, went to my moms, fed the dog, talked on the phone, had a beer, did my nails and went to bed.
9. Last Flat Tire:
January of 05 on my way to Rickys house
***********************************************************************************************************
i went out today to try and get a second job (fingers crossed)
thanksgiving is coming up... my family decided they arent having one this year
christmas is rounding th corner, and im so broke i wont even be able to buy anything for my mom and sister
im getting ready to pack my bags to go visit my father
i leave november 30th. and return on december 7th. im so scared to go... im meeting 3 of my siblings for the first time ever. im also scared to leave there. how am i going to say goodbye to my father, who i see only every 4-5 years? sometimes i wish i could just stay with him. just pack my bags to go see my dad and not come back. i would feel like somebody then... i would be his daughter finally.
i could never do that though. i could never leave my grandma. if only he never left us. i feel that my entire life would be different.
And in the night
I could be helpless
I could be lonely, sleepping without you
And in the day, everything's complex
There's nothing simple when I'm not around you
But I miss you when you're gone
That is what I do
It's hard to carry on
That is what I do
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
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10:19 pm
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i feel like such a stranger here... i find myself always reading my friends page but never updating. what can i say? i guess im so bored with my life right now that im using other peoples posts to bring some sort of "entertainment" to my life.
i feel very lost right now. almost like im not even living my life anymore. almost like im not Stacey anymore. things have changed so much in my life lately, and i guess instead of "rolling with the punches" im putting it all in the back of my head, to deal with it another day. i know that change just happens and its a part of life, but im just not ready to accept these things.
if somebody would have asked me 4 years ago... "what one word describes you best?"
my answer probably would have been: Bitch (im sure every girl and teacher that went to highschool with me would say the same thing in a heartbeat)
if somebody asked me that same question today...
the only word that seems to be a fair representation of Stacey today is: Weak
i didnt think i ever had it in me to fall that far down the food chain. at least when i was a bitch, i was somebody... today i just feel like nobody.
ive been putting myself in these emotionally destructive situations lately. ive been saying yes to things that i know are going to hurt me and no to things that are are going to help me. where does a person get to a point in their life where they are just simply okay with that? ive really dug myself a hole that i dont know how to get out of. its almost like i dont value my feelings anymore...
maybe because its been so long since someone else has truly valued me.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
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7:57 pm - a couple of favorites
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"They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?"
"The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. Because, if you can do that, you can do anything."
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
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5:35 pm - please excuse my absence... this post should make up for it.
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last night was fucking insane. i cant believe that i fell asleep at the diner waiting for my pancakes that i didnt even really eat. i also cant believe that i went out at 900 PM and didnt get home til 530 this morning. lets recap the "hilights" of last night...
- the guy that was trying to get money for playing his harmonica
- meaghan saying "look another ugly bride! i want a bachlorette party too!"
- giving lindsay a lap dance outside of daisy dukes
- while taking a "red headed slut" shot with 5 other people, i somehow spill my other drink all over the bar... i was cut off.
- steve getting kicked out of coyote joes before even getting in
- went to oxfords for the last bar of the night, andys front tooth was missing, i kept spilling my drink all over pete, jen was spilling her drink all over me, i got on a bar stool and started dancing, some guy was grabbing meaghans ass in front of her boyfriend, i went to the bathroom and some girl threw a drink over the stall and it landed on me and my white tank top (not cool). we got kicked out of oxfords and i proceeded to run my mouth to the guy that was harrassing meg and a huge brawl broke out. i guess someone said he had a gun or something so we took off.
-walked all the way back to petes to sober up
- the boys were being boys and were wrestling on the ground, steve then hit his head and was bleeding everywhere
-meanwhile i had the hiccups for like a fucking hour!
-went to mykonos for breakfast at 4 in the morning
- ordered pancakes and fell asleep at the table, woke up 20 minutes later and took 2 bites
-went back to R's market to get my car
-and arrived back at my apartment at 530 AM
it was the best night ive had in a long time
current mood:  tired
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, July 30th, 2005
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6:21 pm
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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7:09 pm
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i cant believe that its almost august already. the summer is just flying by. im slowly getting everything done that i need to before the summer is over. but it just seems like evertime i cross the accomplished things off my list, im adding 5 more. at least im keeping myself busy though. i went to one of my sisters bridal showers on wednesday, it was a blast. however, i dont want to eat food that someone else has prepared ever again after finding a big black hair in my food. im still gagging just thinking about it. the journey concert is slowly approaching and i cant wait for that. in other news... i have finally found a new job. this is my 3rd summer working at the same salon and after all the drama i have put up with, i can say that im ready to leave that place. i wont be starting my new job til october 1st, but its something to look forward to. the best part is that i will get to be working with some of the girls im working with now and some that have already left in the past. its so nice because me and the other nail tech are picking out what kinds of product lines we want to work with and we get to pick out the pedicure chairs and the manicure tables. i couldnt have a better opportunity than this one.
25 days til my 21st birthday :)
current mood:  happy
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(comment on this)
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Friday, July 15th, 2005
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6:19 pm - i honestly cant remember....
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the last time i updated. things have been so crazy this summer. im working so much now and its so hard to keep up with the plans for Carisas wedding. i feel so burnt out at the end of the day. i just need a break. ive been in my apartment for almost 7 weeks now. its so crazy how the time flies. its so hard for me to write in here. im so used to being sad and having nothing but depressing things to talk about. ive become this person that i feel like i dont even know or recognize. i have laughed and smiled more in the past few weeks than i think i ever have my whole life. i always wondered how much longer i was going to have to convince myself that this is as good as its going to get. but things have gotten better, and this time i dont have to convince myself. i met someone that has totally changed the way i feel about my life. all i know is that i love being with him and i love the way i feel ever since i met him.
im going to try my hardest to update more often. its so hard not having a computer at my place. i only get online once or twice a week.
i have a huge list of things to do, im running out of time
help plan the bridal shower for the first week in august
get together with the bridesmaids to plan the bachlorette party
make a list of people to invite out to my 21st birthday celebration (August 22nd!!!)
find shoes for the wedding
price and book a hotel and limo for the wedding
get health insurance (i cant put that off any more!)
call my father
hopefully soon i can start crossing things off that list.
current mood: happy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, June 18th, 2005
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8:23 pm
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okay so i love my new apartment. things are going great. its getting kinda hard to adjust without a computer though. work has been so busy, i have no energy when i get out. ive just been going home and going to bed. i just wish i had some kind of companion. i feel like there are certain people that i never get to see anymore. the people i think about and miss the most. i just wish sometimes that they would think of me too.
current mood: bored
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, June 12th, 2005
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12:13 am
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i apologize for my absence... i moved out of my house 2 weeks ago and dont have a computer yet. hopefully i will be set soon. when i have more time, i will update with more details.
current mood:  busy
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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7:30 pm - and maybe you just need, a friend.
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i got an apartment... my move in date is May 29th. Its on Alexander street. Im very excited to move in. living at home makes it 10 times harder on me. i am home alone usually and i sit here waiting for my sister or mother to come home so i can have some companionship or interaction. and when nobody comes home or has other plans it makes me feel so lonely. its like, if i live on my own and alone, i wont get so sad being home alone all of the time. because i wont be expecting anyone to walk through that door. ive tried so hard to move on after my friends stopped talking to me. but its not easy, i think about it all the time. i just dont know what went wrong. i cant take my coworkers or clients asking me what did you do this weekend, what did you do last night, or what are you doing tonight. because everytime i hear those words i just want to cry... the answer is always nothing, because i have no friends and no life. its so hard to meet new people or go out and make new friends. i just feel so low, and i dont know how to make it go away. i have no outlet. nobody to help me take my mind off of things. all i have, and all ive ever had is me.
current mood:  lonely
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
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10:04 am - wasting my time. In the waiting line.
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after reading your last 5 posts, im starting to feel like im back to where i was before. you are just so appreciateive of everyone else that helped you out and that only certain people understand you. but you know for a fact that i would do anything for you, and that i do understand you. but you seem to have forgotten me this time as quickly as you remembered me. i dont think you realize how much it hurts my feelings. maybe you really dont care. for that one day, i felt like i meant the world to you. that for the first time you actually appreciated my friendship. you have just begun to push me aside already. nobody is ever going to care for you unconditionally as much as i do. i feel like you will never understand that.
Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see
Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
And I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And I'll hide away for another day
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
Everyone's saying different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
current mood: crushed
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
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8:27 am - Tears form behind my eyes
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a year ago in march my family and i had to put my childhood dog Shadow to sleep.
late last night at the emergency after hours animal hospital, we had to put my 5 year old pug Gizmo to sleep.
i feel nothing but heartache. constantly.
the house just doesnt feel the same when i enter.
current mood: sad
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
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4:46 pm - So much... Yet so little.
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No, I havent forgotten about Live Journal. For the past few days I have been looking at all of my old entries from the begining of my account. Its really kinda of strange to go back 5 years ago and see how different my life is in some areas. But a lot of things are the same. I almost have been avoiding to update. After reading all of my old entires, I just felt like I had nothing new to say. But I figure right now what I really need, is to get things off my chest.
My small group of friends has slowly become just me. In the past 2 weeks Ive been my own best friend. I know that life is always happening. But mine seems to be standing still. Everyone that I have surrounded myself with in the past couple of years have so much going on that I just cant be a part of it anymore. The late night parties, going out to dinner, hanging out and the phone calls have just stopped. It was all so sudden for me. But just overlooked for my friends. I cant really blame any reason or person for all of this. Its life, and it just happens. Since everyone is just too busy to be there for me, I have to be there for myself. I think Im doing okay with it. But it is just so hard sometimes.
I read my horoscope today...
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 15:
Friends have always been important to you, but an event that comes up quite out
of the blue will also prove to you just how dear you are to them. Sounds like
it's time for a group hug.
This almost brought tears to my eyes. Tears of hope maybe? I just dont know.
But for those people that have been there for me through all of this, are not overlooked. I cant thank my sister enough. Because truly Carisa is my best friend and alone would have a whole new meaning to it without her. And of course all of my coworkers, sometimes going to work is like a break from my life.
I just wish people didnt give up on me so easily. I have so much love to give and I hope that one day, I have people in my life that need me as much as I need them.
current mood:  hopeful
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
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10:54 am - Happy Super bowl
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Things have slowed down quite a bit in my life. Im back to working 2 jobs and having a little bit more time for myself. Ive been going to the amerks games latley with my friends on fridays. It seems like every week its more fun and exciting than the week before. I love hockey i just cant help but get into the game. Big shock... im sick again. im guessing that the reason im sick is because i had a snowball fight after the hockey game, with no coat and no gloves. but it was the most fun ive had in a long time. today is super bowl hooray. i really am not even interested in watching the game, i guess i want the eagles to win. I just use super bowl as an excuse to sit around drink some beer and eat bad food with friends. im going to try not to eat too much bad food though, now that ive found my dress for my sisters wedding. ive been working out so much lately for this wedding, i know its a good 7 months away but i guess its never too early to start. ive lost 14 pounds since the first of the year so im hoping that by summer i will be at the weight i want to be.
i need to speak with my father. i would feel so much better if he called when he said he would. ever since my sister started speaking to him again its as if hes bored with talking to me. he used to call my cell phone on the way home from work. now he calls her, talks to her forever and at the end say oh and tell Stacey i said hi. it just hurt me so bad that im really at a loss of words this time.
wow, it felt good to get that off my chest.
current mood:  sick
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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8:22 pm
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A - AGE: 20
B - BAND LISTENING TO MOST RECENTLY: Taking Back Sunday and Jack Johnson
D - DAD'S NAME: Gary
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Carisa and Meaghan
F - FAVORITE BAND: Too many to list
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: Neither
H - HOMETOWN: Henrietta
I - INSTRUMENT: Used to play piano and clarinet
J - JUICE: I prefer green tea
K - KIDS: Possibility
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Plattsburgh
M - MOM'S NAME: Marcia
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 1 older sister, 1 younger half brother and 3 younger step siblings
O - ONE WISH: To have a real relationship with my father
P - PHOBIA(S): Not really
Q - (FAVORITE) QUOTE: In three words I can sum up what i've learned about life... It goes on.
R - REASON TO SMILE: My sister is getting married!!!!
T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: Ususally 9 am
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: Im 1/4 Japanese
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: I love vegetables
W - WORST HABIT(S): Smoking
X - X RAYS: Gulblatter, liver, back of my neck and my ankle
Y - YUMMY FOOD: Too many to choose from ;)
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Leo
current mood:  energetic
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, January 17th, 2005
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8:34 pm - its been a long time
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I am working 3 jobs now to keep my head above water these days... thats why i dont get the chance to post ever. I dont really have anything important to say, other than YAY cause my sister is getting married :).
I was driving home from one of my 3 jobs the other day. as i was coming up to the stop light there was a white minivan infront of me... There was one big bumper sticker in the middle of the bumper and in big black bold lettering it said... i love being a dad.
My heart broke when i read it.
i dont think my father could say the same.
god bless that man with the white minivan and his bold lettered bumper sticker. I hope that there are many more of you out there.
current mood:  envious
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
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9:30 am
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okay so i was supposed to work 3-12 yesterday at gap... well one of the girls that was supposed to come in never showed up for her shift, leaving me all alone in the body section for like 3 hours, my break was at 7 and i didnt get to go on it til 9, after the mall closed at 11, we have to stay and straighten the store til 12. i didnt leave there until 1am. i was in such a rotten mood. and to top it off, one of the customers in the store had me holding back tears... no not because they gave me attitude or stressed me out or were mean or anything... the customer said to me, oh look at you, your having a baby. at first i didnt think i heard her right so i said excuse me? and she said your having a baby, how far along are you? i was in such shock! i was no like no im not having a baby lady im just fat okay?! she apologized but made it clear she was only sorry about how embarrassed she was. not because it made me feel horrible. i dont care if someone looks like they are 9 months pregnant, i never comment on it unless they bring it up first, because you just never know. what sucks about it too is that i just lost about 12 pounds recently. so fuck you bitch no im not having a baby and i dont look like i am either.
current mood:  bitchy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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11:38 pm - happy holidays?
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So my current excuse for not posting in forever is because im working 2 jobs now... the spa and at gap... which during the holiday season is equaling out to 60 hours of work a week. i am completely exhausted and i only have sundays off. Working 2 jobs isnt even making things easier financially (go figure). Almost done with my christmas shopping, just have 2 more people to buy for and one of them the stuff is on hold at one of my jobs. Thanksgiving went well, i havent gotten sick in a long time which is a record for me so im very happy about that. other than that nothing really new is going on. i will try to post again soon.
current mood: exhausted
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stacey's journal
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